A monkey can tell a great joke.
This one is a classic . . .

M

*and yeah, new theme, go figger

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to pass a nasty butt mutt.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my anal acoustics with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
My case of nasty swamp ass had thankfully resided.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Damn you, Apple . . .

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t

be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden.

That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area
without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed
with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled
pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and
who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the heck
is going on here?’

The drunk, still staring down replied: ‘I think I just beat the shit out
of a ghost.’
Happy Halloween, folks!

~m

ps. thanks, LS!

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the
Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out and there he was, walking
slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane
and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”

“Morris Fishbein,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars
and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”

~m

ps. thanks to LS for the email!