Smoke and Mirrors

In a perfect world . . .

Category: microbursts

Ipod, therefore, I am


I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to pass a nasty butt mutt.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my anal acoustics with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
My case of nasty swamp ass had thankfully resided.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Damn you, Apple . . .

14 Days

I waited on a woman today that was in search of a cigar lighter for her husband.
After showing her several lighters she picked a Prometheus Torch for $100.

“My husband is unbelievable! Look at this,” She says.

She proceeded to pull out a long yellow piece of paper from her purse that had scribbles all over it.
She begins reading;

“He wants Titelist 3 golf balls and he wants a new Calloway FT-iQ driver and some golf shirts and a pair of New Balance sneakers, some white sox and on and on . . .  {ad nauseum}. The cigar lighter isn’t even on the list! {snort} But I wanted to get him one because he always uses mine which I use for my crème brulee.”

Well, la-dee-friggin’-da.
That is one French-ass dessert, isn’t it?

I smile and say, “So how old IS your husband? Nine?”

She actually laughed and said, “Oh, the cigar lighter is just a silly stocking stuffer.”

I wanted to tell her that I’m stuffing my wife’s stocking with anthracite coal this year not because she’s been a naughty girl but because we need the black, sooty rocks to heat our house.

Somehow I just don’t think she’d get it.

Only 14 days left.
Wake me up on January 2nd please.

Weather, or not

Don’t know how things are in your neck of the woods but
the weather has been incredibly freaky up here in New England.
I’m talking about stuff I’ve never seen in all my years in Massachusetts.
End of Days?
Maybe I should be getting my shit together.
I’m a bit freaked folks.
This is not your usual New England August.
Did they have microbursts 200 years ago?
And if not, why?
This is just strange.
Weather men will say,
“No rain today, folks! Wait . . . yeah, lot’s of rain and wind . . . maybe . . . uhhh, wait . . .
snow and sleet . . . and hail, too!” Just kidding, it will be sunny afterall!”

Yeah, right.
They don’t have a clue.
Just like us.
Open the window and wait.
We don’t need no stinking weather channel we have a freekin’ window.
Sheesh . . .
Welcome to the suck, as far as weirdo weather goes anyway.
Tornado anyone?

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