“Hello?”

“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming
pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week
to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

****Even Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”

~m

Funny site. Period.
Click on “Wishes”

~m

There’s a thought, huh?

~m

Can you say “Sliced like a deck of cards”?
I can just hear the katana slicing through the air as I post this.
Hey, doesn’t the guy in the bed look a bit like Ryan Seacrest?
I wanted to title this post “When destiny and sharp, pointy objects collide” but it was too damn long.
~m

I know.
I’m a sick, twisted bastard.
Shut up and pass the A-1 sauce.

~m

Just found Saskatoon’s website.
They sell the above billboard artwork on a t-shirt. Check it out.

It was on February 22, 2005 that I first posted this.
It was read many times but never received a comment but it was my first tentative step into the whacky and obsessive world of blogging.
I like to think that people that visit here are appreciated and today is no exception.
I can’t imagine how drab my life would have been had it not been for my blog.
I love the writing, posting, editing, changing of templates (And Moe rolls her eyes {grin}), maipulating of widgets, uploading of custom banners; I love all of it.
But none of it would be worth anything if it weren’t for you.
Yeah, you.
The person reading this post right now.
That’s right. . . you.
I thank you from the bottom of my almost empty Guinness glass (the bottom of my heart seems a bit shallow right now).
You make me smile, think, laugh and obsessively look forward to this crazy hobby called blogging.
I pray you’ll stick around because I feel the best is yet to be.
A special thank you to the woman that allows me the time to be creative, my wife.
Blogging takes time. And she gives me all the time I need. That’s love.
I’ve put together a slide show of all the different artwork that has graced these pages over the past year or so.
It’s fairly short but fairly hip.
Click on my Blogiversary cake above and enjoy the show.
To all of you still reading, thank you.

~Michael

ps. it’s already the 22nd downunder, hence the early post =0)

(And 81 other wicked cool things to say to people that really cheese you off)

They did leave out my favorite Dirty Harry line (to a hideous barfly trying to score) -
“I only do it with humans.”
A few laughs on me…
And yes, I’ve been known to use a few of these.

1. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
2. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
3. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
4. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
5. My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
6. All things being equal, you lose.
7. If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
8. I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
9. Smile… Tomorrow will be worse.
10. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
11. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
14. Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.
15. Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
16. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
17. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
18. If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
19. A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
22. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
23. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
24. Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
25. I’m extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
26. I’d like to help you out; which way did you come in?
27. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
28. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. This wasn’t it.
29. From the moment I picked your book up to the moment I set it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it.
30. I don’t care who you are, what you drive, or where you’d rather be.
31. I’m not cynical. I’m just experienced.
32. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
33. I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.
34. Don’t hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
35. It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail in the process.
36. You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
37. Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
38. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
39. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
40. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
41. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
42. I’m not your type; I’m not inflatable.
43. Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine.
44. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
45. Aww, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
46. You look like shit. Is that in style now?
47. Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
48. I don’t have an attitude problem, it’s supposed to be this way.
49. It’s not that I’m antisocial, I’m just not friendly.
50. Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
51. I’m sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
52. I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
53. I don’t care where you go, as long as you get lost.
54. It is just you.
55. I heard you, and so what if the world’s ending at noon today, I can’t chat with you until tomorrow.
56. I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle.
57. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
58. You laugh because I’m different; I laugh because you’re all the same.
59. If I throw a stick, will you go away?
60. I didn’t know regurgitated spam could talk.
61. If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.”
62. If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
63. A mind is a terrible thing to waste; I’m glad they didn’t waste one on you.
64. Next time you get the urge to think…don’t.
65. I’m not antisocial. I just don’t like people.
66. Would you kindly shut your noise hole.
67. You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we’re from the same species.
68. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit” as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
69. It’s not that I wish any harm to the guy, I’m just saying I could happily sit by while someone knocks his head off.
70. It’s people like you who make the Internet all but impossible to trust.
71. Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
72. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
73. Well, I was nearly killed three times, fell off a bridge and broke my jaw. How was your day?
74. On your way down the banister of life, may your ass collect tons of splinters.
75. Are you renting the space in your head? It could be profitable.
76. I’m sorry.. Am I poking holes in your self-esteem bucket?
77. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma.
78. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
79. I wonder what life would have been like if you had had enough oxygen at birth.
80. Whatever it is that’s eating you, it must be suffering horribly.

Beautiful.
I’m now sufficiently armed and loaded.

~m

My youngest has stolen my fire…
Click on the above pic for a hilarious video that the little bugger posted before her dear old Dad.
I gotta say, she definitely has my twisted sense of humor.

~m

Basically, a toon shut down the city of Boston today. (or as we say, a cahtoon)
Turner Broadcasting, you should be ashamed of yourselves.
You royally suck because you thought this was a pretty hip publicity stunt.
In this day and age when nutjobs strap bombs onto their bodies and walk into a nightclub filled with 300 people all in the name of a God, what makes you think this would be viewed as something cute and different simply because no one would get hurt?
Think again.
Take your corpulent corporate head out of your ass and get out the checkbook.
I pray this boneheaded brainfart costs you douchebags millions.
I’m going easy here because I was fortunate enough to have the day off. . . unlike the thousands of pissed off people still trying to get home.
Way to go, TBC.
Click on the ATHF pic above for the story.
Maybe the city should have called Roger Rabbit…

~m

Just couldn’t resist.

~m