Browsing "Global warming"

Fire down below

 

I run into many interesting people during the course of my day in Boston.
This morning a customer took me by surprise with a true story that was just too damn funny not to share. I am not making this up folks.
May not be suitable for reading the kids before bed either.
I made mention of the fact that I had made chili on Wednesday when BLH said, “I gotta good chili story for ya.”

In the (somewhat) paraphrased words of BLH:

“This was several years ago when I was living next to two gay guys.
Great guys, too.
They did their thing, I did mine, ya know?
Live and let live, I say.
Anyway, my kitchen window looked right into theirs as it was less than 15 feet away.
So this one summer day, I’m making chili.
Beautiful day, windows open, music on and I’m chopping up onions and garlic and Habanero peppers for my chili.
I leave the kitchen for a minute to go and take a piss and resume my cooking.
It’s not even 2 minutes later that  ‘Mr. Willy’ starts to heat up.
Like really heating up.
I look at the Habanero peppers now nicely chopped and look down at my crotch and think, “Dear God, no.”
Within 5 minutes, I realize that ‘Mr. Willy’ needs some serious medical attention.
This is getting painful.
And really hot.
I get a facecloth, soak it in cold water and drop my pants right there in the middle of the kitchen.
It didn’t take long to realize that all the wet facecloth did was move all the hot stuff down to my
two soon-to-be ‘Hot Mexican jumping beans’.
I was in too much pain and making too many oohs and ahhs to realize that I was also gathering something of an audience 15 feet across the way.
With my crotch turning into a smoking Mojave desert, I was getting desperate.
(Is that steam?)
Christ, I’m on fire down there!
I suddenly remembered buying a big container of sour cream for the chili and
waddled like a penguin over to the fridge.
I ripped open the container like a madman, took a fistful of the cool white stuff
and began rubbing it in gobs into the raging fire down below.
My oohs, ahhs and general sounds of relief were obviously misinterpreted by my now smiling neighbors across the way.
There I am with my pants down, breathing heavy, and sour cream smeared all over my crotch.
Beautiful.
A proud Kodak moment for me, ya know?
I’m close to my mother so I told her the story, and man, did she laugh.
Two weeks later, I’m out to breakfast with her at a place she frequently goes.
The waitress brings my breakfast of fried eggs, home fries and bacon
but on the side of the plate is a small tub of sour cream.
I asked the waitress, “What’s up with the sour cream?”
She winked and said, “Your mother says you really like it.”
(I am laughing hysterically now)
You’ll be thinking about this every time you make chili now, right?”

Yeah, BLH, you are sooo right.
Was it a funny Thursday morning for me?
You betcha schweet bippie.
Thanks for a great tale, BLH
You have total attribution.
I just hope I did you some justice.
(BLH’s version is much funnier but has a different rating)
Hopefully ’Mr. Willy’ has found some cooler climes by now.
And, BLH, I hope you were using low-fat sour cream.
That regular stuff is just plain nasty . . .

Linear Beercan Language

A guy comes into the store today and says,
“I want 4 packs of American Spirit Yellow.”
We ring him up, take his money and say, “Would you like a bag?”
He says, “No thank you, I have gloves.”
I have gloves?
More like you have a frozen mush of a cerebellum.
Jesus Krispies.
It must be the cold here in New England, huh? (7 degrees)
That would be like ordering at a drive-thru Burger King
and telling them, “I want to eat it here though, thanks.”
A definite WTF moment.
Damn, I encounter far too many these days.
Maybe it’s me.
Not!

Ipod, therefore, I am

 

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to pass a nasty butt mutt.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my anal acoustics with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
My case of nasty swamp ass had thankfully resided.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Damn you, Apple . . .

Cabbage Ass

Something short and sweet, so to speak . . .

Someone floated an air biscuit on the train this morning, a silent sulfur scream (SSS) so deadly in intent that my eyes literally crossed.
Dude, if you’re sick, go to the hospital.
It was odd the way people picked their heads up one by one and started looking around for the gravy pants responsible for the great brown cloud.
There were only 12 or so people in the car I was riding in so it was a bit uncomfortable.
I heard one guy groan and say, “Oh, man.”
Oh, man is right.
The odor of the unholy airlock was almost indescribable.
Oh, alright, I’ll try. I’m already grossed out anyway (as you will soon be, as well).
It was somewhere between ripe, warm and hairy egg salad and way-past-the-due-date hamburger. My olfactory senses are somewhat dulled at this time of the morning but I definitely detected a hint of burnt string bean casserole.
It was right after that when people started getting up one by one in search of a fresher car to ride in. Not wanting to be seen as the person that “drew the mud”, I too got up and left the fragrant car.
It was painfully clear that this demanding piece of colon-speak wasn’t going anywhere.
I overheard a woman say to someone, “Well, I’m certainly awake now!”
She sounded almost pleased.
As soon as I stopped my eyes from watering, I found a new seat.

~m

Don Imus + Censorship= Death by Termination

We have a shrinking polar ice cap that will someday make the state of Florida a semi-tropical island, homeless shelters packed to the gills with invisible people that society doesn’t want, babies dying of hunger every 7 seconds,
pets dying from tainted pet food and enough plutonium to blow
this planet to Kingdom Come and yet we choose to focus our time and energy on three stupid words taken out of context because they hurt somebody’s feelings.
Maybe that’s just the tip of the proverbial iceburg but personally, it feels much greater than that.

Freedom of speech will soon be a subject found only in History books if we don’t watch ourselves. With the head of Don Imus now securely set on a fresh green lettuce leaf in the middle of the media platter, I can’t help but feel this was a witchhunt instigated by the likes of many including Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, two political gasbags that need more of a muzzling than Imus.
These two jamokes have done just as much damage to the notion of equality, racial harmony and justice as the talk show host they’ve now successfully crucified.
The thought of forgiveness hasn’t even entered the equation.
And they’re both men of the cloth, right?
Does Imus deserve termination and eternal damnation?
His track record seems to indicate that he’s definitely borderline.
But at what cost?
He’ll be on satellite radio by next week anyway.
We’ve all lost something here.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year but we’ve lost something. Everyday it seems another insignificant personal freedom goes on hiatus and we’re too caught up in politically correct semantics to take notice.
I did get a chuckle when I read a quote from a Rutgers Junior regarding the ‘Ho’ fiasco.
She said, “This has scarred me for life.”
WTF?
Please stop.
You’re killing me.
Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood.
What Imus said was disgraceful and uncalled for but ‘scarred for life’?
With the amount of hypocrisy witnessed in the media and society these days, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
I’ll be shaking my head over this one for a while.
Somebody pinch me, Imus be dreaming. . .

~m

Veggie Idea

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIzrupqFLRI]

A while back I posted this about the Veggie car.
Recently, my friend Colin sent me a link to the video above.
The video, which was entered into a “Convienient Truths” contest, features his son Caric.
I’m blown away not only by the awesome planet friendly idea but by the fact that the last time I saw Caric he was wearing diapers.
Tough to get old. Caric sounds almost as smart as his old man. {grin}
Anyway, the contest is all about heightening awareness regarding the global warming issues we currently face.
A kid, a car and an idea. . .
I think I like it.

~m

ps.
Sorry I’ve been absent from commenting on my favorite blogs.
Didn’t want to get phlegm all over your dashboards.
See all of you next week. 

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