Smoke and Mirrors

In a perfect world . . .

I has a sad.

sad, friends, goodbye, life


Sometimes when I start writing I have no clue as to what I will find;
maybe that’s the beauty of the written word; an internal GPS on shuffle mode.
I lost a friend of 30+ years last night and I’m fumbling for the right words tonight.

I woke up this morning with nothing special on my mind save for the usual morning routine.
It was 5:30am and my brain was on automatic as I drank my Mango juice, took my Multi-vitamin and gagged on my Fish oil.
Fish oil burps are, THE worst.
I opened my IPhone and saw a private message from a Facebook friend sent last night at 10:43.
It was simple enough and said, “Are you up?”
Obviously, I was not.
I really hate late night calls/messages.
They are never good.
I got on the train at 6:10am for my trip into Boston and responded;
“I’m up now. What’s going on, dude?”

We all think we are going to live forever.
There will always be another tomorrow.
The next scratch ticket is our ‘ticket’ outta here.
We reminisce about friends we haven’t talked to in years and think, “I should call him/her.”
Do we call?
We click our remotes to the next ‘Dancing with the Stars’ offering, the next ‘Idol’, the next ‘Desperate Housewives’ episode, and read the next Supermarket rag that somehow becomes a vital part of our lives.

We will not live forever.
Tomorrow is promised to no one.
Kim Kardashian was never sexy to begin with.
And ‘reality’ TV needs to be attacked by Navy Seals because it ain’t even fackin’ close to reality.

The message I received back told me that a close friend had unexpectedly died.
As I’m writing this post, I have not cried, have not grieved.
I am profoundly sad that my friend is gone.
I am numb.
I can’t believe I will never talk to him again.
I can’t believe I will never be able to say goodbye.
I just can’t believe that he’s gone.

I just called my best friend on my cell and left a shaky voiced message.
I wanted to just hear his voice.
Today has shattered my insides.
I’m trying hard to keep it in because that’s what I think I need to do.
He will call me back very soon, I hope.
After leaving him a message, this thing hit me like an emotional tornado.
I cried; am still crying as I type this.
Oddly enough it feels right; because genuine tears heal the bigger part of us . . . eventually.
More are on the way . . .


  1. so very sorry. the older we get the more frequently this happens… and your words are a good reminder to not postpone those calls. those lunches. those beers.

  2. Deborah Lanigan

    May 4, 2013 at 2:23 am

    Was so saddened to read about the loss you’re experiencing. I would like to use some comforting words like ” it gets easier” but I won’t.. Because I don’t feel it does. You will always miss this person, you will always be aware of their absence . But, in time, along with tears there will be smiles and laughter too as good thoughts and times are remembered. I continue to have thoughts about my father every day of my life… Michael could verify that. He’s been dead 34 years. I cry… I laugh… Sometimes I do both while I’m telling my children yet another story at the dinner table about him.
    So, while the pain of the loss remains and the absence is very apparent I know how lucky I am to have had this wonderful person in my life… Even for what seemed to be a brief period. God gave me a gift. I still carry that gift with me every day.

  3. Mike,

    Thanks for putting into words something that I cannot even process. The feelings are the same for our Friend and all others that we lose. Life is short, but by all of the links we make throughout to those around us we can and do keep them around with us forever. We do need to make the efforts to keep our friends close, it is a hard thing to accomplish, but then again, anything worthwhile is. I share your loss, and thank you for this most meaningful post

  4. @ DaiseyFae

    Thank you so much for the comment.
    And I know that sadly, it is the truth.
    See you soon.

    @ Deborah

    You understand my writing almost more than I do myself.
    These words sometimes pour out of me like water while other times the words are more like maple syrup.
    I know you ‘get’ it.
    Another reason I love your comments.
    Be well.

    @ Dave Rand
    Already sent you an email but know that your comment moved me beyond words and I thank you.


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