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It’s like watching the slow and dying embers in the
backyard firepit on a sultry summer’s night.
In some ways I understand it, some I don’t.
Maybe it’s meant to be that way.
It’s hard enough to watch someone you love die but it’s the
‘dying marathon’ of Alzheimer’s that really hurts inside.
I had a deeply emotional visit with my father this past Sunday.
I felt this impending sense of detachment from him that I’ve never seen or felt before.
My sister says it’s that way with most patients in the final stretch of the endgame.
I am trying to make myself understand that.
Not doing too well with it either.
The past 5 years have been a sad and long goodbye and although I’ve said it before,
I want to believe in my heart that he is ready.
My father did not cry yesterday which had me scratching my freshly shaved noggin.
It was almost as if he was trying to be strong just for me,
but maybe I’ll never know.
I sat and held his thin and badly shaking hands and really looked at him,
into my father‘s eyes.
My heart was instantly shattered as a lifetime of tender and lost moments came crashing into my mind.
I want many things for my father and not one of them was in this room that has held him prisoner for the past 5+ years.
I want him to walk and feel the rays of the sun on his face again,
love and be loved in return, find the missing piece of the puzzle he’s been searching for since he got sick.
Find my mother.
I want him to find enough strength to finally fade away and find his corner of the sky,
his cerulean peace.
It’s time for my beautiful father to go home.
Because of all the places I roam, I miss having him there the most . . .
Wow…he will find your mother and they will smile together. You are such a strong man, ~m!
I don’t know where you find your strength…probably from your Dad! What a perfect song! It’s so touching! This is such a beautiful post…thanks for sharing it with your readers. Peace!
grief that seems endless. i’m sure he’s ready.
I sit and wonder what I can say, then it hits me.
There is little point in saying anything, because it’s not going to change what is, and what will be.
My heart was instantly shattered as a lifetime of tender and lost moments came crashing into my mind.
That’s where I lost it, because I can literally hear you saying this.
I can hear the pain, the frustration and the longing for it to be done.
We’re all allocated a certain amount of heart beats when we’re born.
When his are done, he’ll go, and not before is the sad part, and when I say sad, I mean for everyone.
I’m sure there is a special place in heaven for people like your Dad who have to suffer before they get there.
And for people like you who seem to have endless inner strength….
{{hugs}}
It was an intense visit all around for him,for you ,for me. He was different and he was the strong one this time.
I guess he knew that he had to be.
“love and be loved in return”…..he does and he is. So touching and so very sad. I truly feel your pain and understand your longing for peace…peace for him, for you, for Pam, and for the girls. It will come and it will be bittersweet….when his pain ends, yours will end and a new feeling will begin. It will be a different kind of pain….like withdrawal…but time will ease that pain. I pray for all of you everyday.
Michael, I too watched my dad die for many many years, the last of which he spent in his bedroom in a hospital bed. My dad did not have alzheimers, he COPD from smoking. I watched him suffer and live off an oxygen tank for many years. Life is so very interesting. Even until his death he taught me lessons about life. Never once did he complain of any pain and God knows he was in plenty of it. From trying to breath, to massive bed sores, to craving my mothers love. It was a long process and a hard one to endure. I know what you are going through except for the fact that my dad did know me right to the end. I watched as he lost all his dignity and literally had to have me, his daughter, change his diaper at 81 years old. Life is a mystery to which we don’t always know the answers til later in our lives. Be there for him til the end and you will have no regrets. Tell him everything you have ever wanted to say. Thank him for all he has done and taught you in life. AND….never stop telling him you love him. You are in my thoughts!!
I shouldn’t have read this at work–my eyes filled up at the beautifully expressed emotion of this piece. All I can say from my viewpoint, Michael, is that there WILL come a time when you will only remember your father as whole and healthy, your memories WILL fall into their proper perspective. I’m finding that happening now, several years after my Mom’s death. When you do remember your Dad as he is now you’ll also remember that you took care of him, and that will give you real peace. Believe me.
~m, hello. I really don’t know what to write. I feel so bad for your situation – the way you describe what you are all going through brings tears to my eyes. I think it’s so beautiful that you are able to express your feelings. Such a tender situation and yet you are able to put it into words which I hope brings you some healing. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers. Love to you! xoxoxo
~m
i have about two hundred thoughts going through my mind right about now… they are flowing down with my tears. only one who has journeyed so long can wish such important thoughts… to go through the path of losing is a burden… yet to envision happiness and dreams upon your father… you are strong… he will be free of this, and when the time comes you will feel more so than understand the reason. For time is greater than you and me, perhaps the only ones who truly know the secret are the ones who bear it… may you be at peace tonight. your family is in my prayers
I appreciate this comment more than you know.
I am sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to it.
And yes, someday he will be free.
Until then I will keep visiting and wishing good things for him.
Thanks so much, Enreal.
This comment made my day.
~m