Douchebag Theory

I am quite sure that there are many people that live in a fantasy world
and know little to nothing about the real one.
They seem stuck in a time and place where common sense is about as real as the tooth fairy;
a really dumb tooth fairy.
I’m not telling you something you probably didn’t already know but when you run into these jamokes
(and I do, multiple times, daily)
you want to whack them in head with one of those huge Acme Co. (Wiley Coyote) hammers.
Then there are those that are in the real world but seem almost oblivious to the obvious.
I was working last Sunday when the phone rang.

This person asked, “Are you open?”

I said, “Hmmmm, hang on, let me check.” (5 second pause)
“Yeah, we are!” I said trying to sound almost surprised.

If a retail establishment answers the phone on a Sunday afternoon chances are pretty damn good that they’re open, capice?
And I’m pretty damn sure that when I hung up the person was thinking one of two things:

Wow. What an asshole.
Or . . .
Wow. I’m a ding-a-ling for asking such a dumbass question. Of course they’re open . . .

Now and then I have to blow out my retail pipes because if I don’t . . . well, let’s not go there just yet.
I sell tobacco and all things tobacco.
Here are some questions that I am just plain sick of answering:

Q. “You guys got Cubans?”
A. Obviously J.F.K and the Cuban Missile Crisis wasn’t covered in your American History class.
We haven’t traded with Cuba since February of 1962.
A huge mistake for the USA, as we continue the endless Cold War.
We’ve lost out on an incredible island and amazing people but a country governed by Communism will never be accepted here. Long story.

Q. “How much for these bad boys?”
A. You are a douchebag of magnificent proportions for calling them ‘bad boys’ to begin with.
They’re called cigars.
That’s one strike.

Q. “How come these ‘bad boys’ are so expensive?”
A. Ask the new administration, the change you can believe in thing.
Does the word“ ‘tax’ mean anything to you?
Do you ever read a newspaper or anything on the internet regarding tobacco/cigar regulation and the unfair taxes levied against this industry?
You, my friend, are a super douche for having no clue about the things the liberal wing has done to screw up this industry. I won’t even get into the debacle regarding the new  FDA’s regulation of tobacco.
Yes, we can!
No we can’t, my  brothers.
That’s two strikes.

Q. “Do you guys sell blunt wraps, digital scales, screens, glass pipes, Salvia, Black & Milds or Dutches (Dutch Masters)?”
A. Uh . . .  no.
Strike three, douchebag.

Innings over.

For today . . .

3 Comments

  • Got to love retail ! !
    At least you don’t have customers that throw their broken glasses on the counter and say nothing.They don’t even respond to you when you say Hello!
    I realize that they are blind, but are they deaf as well?

    We have many that don’t say hello.
    We don’t say anything back either. (maybe, ‘bite me’ under our breath)
    We shake our heads as if to say, “What?”
    At least they don’t have an overabundance of ‘facecheese’ (they still smell though)
    ~m

  • There’s no cure for being a fuckwit, any more than there is for stupidity.


    Just can’t fix stoopid . . .
    ~m

    .-= anonymum´s last blog ..Looking to expand =-.

  • In defense of the guy on the phone … he called to see if you were open. Simply hanging up when you answered (thereby answering his question) would have been very rude. I make such calls all the time, but usually try to cover by asking how much longer you’ll be open.


    I understand. It still drives me crazy though.
    I thought my response, while sarcastic, was quite witty.
    Maybe I’ll never know . . .
    ~m

    .-= PiedType´s last blog ..Getting snarky on Shuster =-.

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