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I got on the train one morning several weeks ago and settled myself in for the train ride into Boston.
I was on a double decker train in a seat for one, perfect for writing or sleeping, the latter of which I do in the mornings I leave early.
A woman (I think she was a woman) with incredibly confusing blonde hair sat in front of me reeking to the high heavens of a cologne that almost made me gag.
Eau de Litter Box, perhaps?
All I could think of was the feeling I get when I walk in to Bath & Body Works at the mall; a total devastation of the olfactory senses to the point of nausea.
Anyway, this woman proceeds to flog the ever-loving shit out of her hair, cooties, dandruff and dead hair flying everywhere as I sat there taking it like a man, too tired to move to another seat.
That wasn’t quite enough though. She pulls out her compact and begins to violently swab her face to beat the band with the finesse one would use to scrub a dirty truck bumper.
I don’t scrub my ass that hard in the shower, for God’s sakes.
This went on for twenty or so minutes and it was disturbing, to say the very least.
The lips took at least half of the twenty minutes ending with that yucky “schmupp” sound.
I’m thinking Blondezilla must be an absolute vision when she’s finally done primping and packing her fat little face.
Sometime shortly after the “schmupp”, I fell fast asleep.
Thank God for small miracles.
Later that day, I thought about my wife, a minimalist when it comes down to makeup; less is more, period.
She’ll argue with me until JFK comes back from the dead but when she’s done up for an evening out (a rare event these days, sadly) she IS a vision.
Her face is just beautiful.
A few mornings ago I got out of the shower and dried off before opening the medicine cabinet for a Q-tip.
I saw a small innocuous looking package and I could swear it read “FaceSpackle”.
Now I looked up “spackling compound” on the web and found this: A white pre-mixed compound or powder to which water is added for use in mending cracks in plaster, holes in sheetrock walls, skimming old wallpaper seams, should be sanded smooth and flat after drying
Wow.
This was disturbing.
Dear God, please not my wife.
I put my glasses on and saw that the writing didn’t say anything close to what I thought it said.
It was some kind of newfangled facial exfoliant from Origins.
As a man, I have a difficult time understanding all these exotic things women use on their face.
But my wife has taught my daughters well though; easy on the rouge, light on the eyeliner, gently shadow the lips.
Whenever one of them wears makeup they look like women, very pretty women. What happened to my little girls, I’ll never know.
If they continue to take their mother’s advice, the future years will treat them kindly.
As the train pulled into Boston that morning, Blondzilla got up and made her way to the exit.
Lord have mercy, I think she used to do makeup for Bozo the Clown . . . Ringling Brothers at the very least.
And if she happens to read this?
I’m getting my ass kicked some unsuspecting morning.
I think I’m safe . . .
LMAO…i shy away from the “bath & body works” overzealous little handmaidens, so anxious to change my life with a new scent. whythehell does everything have to smell like food? if i really wanted to smell like sugar cookies, or mango & papaya, i would either cook these things, or just rub them into my skin. {giggle}
i like your new format, but liked the piano theme much better. love the new timepiece…and, thanks to your disclaimer, i am piss-my-pants-afraid to leave a comment. {chuckle}. sure. like THAT might ever happen.
I wish people would do their beauty routines/personal hygiene at home before leaving the house. I always feel like I accidentally walked into their personal bathroom when I am exposed to people getting ready in public like that and I feel awkward. LOL that you thought you found “spackling compound” in the medicine chest.
You write with so much respect and love for your wife and daughters. It truly is a refreshing pleasure to see.
LOL
I had a woman very similar sitting near me on the train today – but thank God, without the olfactory stripping.
Love the timepiece too. Very classy
What a great post. I got a good laugh out of this. What I hate to see is a woman driving down the road and trying to put her make up on at the same time. Scary!!
I have never worn any makeup or used any creams and potions. I’m strictly a nature girl. My daughter wears some makeup but very discreetly. Thank Goodness.
To me makeup is worn to enhance your beauty not make you look like BOZO.
I love the way you talk about your wife and family. I’m glad she uses Origins. It’s a good natural brand. Way less chemicals than most.
Thanks for your comments on my guest post at Annie’s. I really appreciated them.
Hilarious, especially from a male perspective. Your wife sounds perfectly perfect, I hope you deserve her
PS love the new look, much easier on the eyes
“I don’t scrub my ass that hard in the shower, for God’s sakes.” Bwhahahahaha! I’m trying very hard not to envision this, m. I just woke up and it really shouldn’t be the first image in my head.
I’ve never understood the massive quantities of perfume/makeup. The perfume just makes me sneeze, and I cannot be bothered to slather stuff all over my face.
Thanks for giving me a good belly chuckle this morning!
Okay, so I totally got a mental pic of you scrubbing your ass.
Im not complaining
I always, alwaaaays enjoy your words about your girls. All of them. You are the best father. The best husband. The best all the way around, Michael. I’m sure they know that too.
You are a crazy boy-did you know that? Spackling Compound!Isn’t that something like joint compound?(the stuff you use on sheet rock?) What you found in the cabinet is a”Purifying Mask” . It looks a little more like mud than spackle, but it makes my face smooth as a baby’s bottom but smells so much nicer!
I woke up with Blondezilla years ago. I never got that smell out of my sheets.
It’s very nice to read a funny, well-written piece by a man who loves women!
Bless you!
Funny stuff ~m. I’ll be laughing about this one for quite awhile.
I like the new page set-up. Very nice!
I don’t scrub my ass that hard in the shower, for God’s sakes.
If you did you might have more friends.
My first visit to your new joint. Very, very impressive. Love the clock.
-smith
Awesome post! I laughed and shuddered in all the right places I think.
I’m a minimalist too, but it’s out of pure laziness and respect for my skin, not natural beauty.
My daughter was wearing eye make-up for a month before her Daddy even noticed it. She is very discreet! lol
So true on so many levels: one of my absolute pet peeves is the amount of perfume, or cologne that some people insist on wearing. For me, this means an instant migraine that can last for hours at a stretch.
I think there should be a strict law about the use of scent in public places. It is a health hazard to some of us. I much prefer the aroma of a field of manure. At least it dissipates and doesn’t have any residual effects.
As for makeup, your wife has the right idea and so do your daughters. In the 80s I loved to sport a pale, gothic visage with pasty-face, garish maroon lips and black eyeliner to rival Cleopatra. These days, it’s an event if I put on eyeshadow. I like the natural, no-fuss, no-muss look.
Some folks could use some spackle to fill in the cracks. Have you ever noticed just how prolific OIL of OLAY is? They have a new ad just about every week.
I really enjoyed this post, but hope in my enthusiasm I haven’t run off at the mouth…
Kat
Oh god, I just can’t get past the “I don’t scrub my ass that hard in the shower, for God’s sakes.”
Oh the mental picture.
I don’t know why some women feel that they look wonderful after they have literally turned their face into a caricature of themselves. It’s one of the mysteries of life to us “less is more” girls.
Yeah, I’m one of the less is more and my Mother cant stand that I am – I still get reminders about putting on a “face” when I go out. I have spent too many years in too many jobs where a full spakfilla job is part of the uniform and once I got out of those jobs I just stopped doing it. I hate the way that it makes my skin feel.
Most days I wear nothing, makeup I mean, and some days its just eyeliner and mascara. Only special events get the full treatment and even then its not as much as it could be.
So Oil of Olay isn’t oily – best go check that out, everything else turns to oil on my skin
ROFL! It’s not fair you have all this fun on the way to work in the a.m. I would have been totally mesmerized with this woman. I love to see a woman make a spectacle of herself with bad hair and makeup. I imagine what she needs to do to look better and hope that she gets on a make-0ver show in the near future. Good thing you’re surrounded by lovely ladies. I would expect nothing less!!!
P.S. Boston/Vermont plans are in the works for the fall!
Ok, I get that Boston is having a great party after the massive blow the Celtics gave LA and I get that you don’t miss a good party. I get that you’re either in the ‘let’s make this party work for as long as we can as St. Paddy’s day is a long way away’ or in the ‘I’ve gotten older and recovery takes time’ group. I get that writing blogs is probably the last thing on your mind (after all, only women can multi-task, i.e. ride a train and beautify).
Get all that.
What I don’t get, is why we have to suffer having to look at the Blondzilla title 5 days in the row, especially the ones who are actually blonde and might have been that person who apparently ruined your train ride. Ever thought about Blondzilla’s feelings when jealous train riders just can’t stand the fact that she has hair and they don’t?
Not too sure how I missed this….sorry ~m…
I too must admit to having a hard time getting past the imagery here! mind you, the image of any man “scrubbing” his ass is quite disturbing…yet strangely erotic at the same time!
shit i’m a sick bitch! going home now…perhaps to have a shower??
well if you’re gonna put your ass out there for all and sundry to take a swipe at…
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