Smoke and Mirrors

In a perfect world . . .

What is the square root of eggnog?

It’s always around this time of the year (December 20th, to be exact) that my brain goes into this bizarre auto-hibernation cycle.
I can’t hear “Jingle Bells” or “Merry Christmas, Darling” by the Carpenters simply because my brain refuses to latch on, refuses to release the adequate amount of acetylcholine needed to make my synapses “see” the connection.
Maybe it sounds Grinch-like, but it’s not.

Around every corner lurks some crazy bastard that thinks I should be incredibly happy, that I should embrace the “wassail ‘n eggnog” mentality of a holiday I’m still trying desperately to understand.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t understand it, maybe I’d enjoy it more but sadly I cannot.
I don’t watch much TV but when I do I inevitably see a Kay’s Jewelers commercial and I’m pretty sure that ‘every kiss begins with Kay’s’.
Hey Kay’s! I’m holding some wicked mistletoe over my yuletide ass.
You guys can start there with a big, wet smooch.
Gag me with an unrealistic, smarmy and overtly utopian commercial.

Avaricious companies like this prey on the materialistic and compulsive nature of nincompoops foolish enough to believe that some diamond-studded placebo will make all their holiday dreams come true.
My God, what unadulterated bullshit.

There is a major reason for my somewhat apathetic attitude towards the holidays and maybe it’s because I’m just beginning to understand that it has little to do with shiny and expensive things.

But there will always be another commercial, another misguided Christmas song and another 100 reasons for me to hate the things that society thinks will make my holiday grand.

I’m thinking that maybe that’s okay.
And I might just make it through another Christmas without the help of Kay’s . . .
As far as the answer to the square root of eggnog, maybe it’s 42
Though I may have to ask Sarah’s roomate, Kat . . .
I hear she’s pretty good with math.



  1. unadulterated bullshit, to be sure.

    some people truly haven’t a clue what the “holiday” is all about, and rely on commercials to tell them exactly what will make they and their loved ones feel fulfilled. or at least worth jewelry from Kay’s.

    i resent having to gift because i am expected to. because my fifth-grader will feel “left out” if he doesn’t gift his teacher(s), while the rest of the children do. i resent having my child learn about all other cultural celebrations, but can’t say the “C” word in school, lest he offend someone.
    i abhor the fact that the entire population goes broke to prove their love and eat to the point of bursting on december 25.

    where is the love and gratitude and generosity the other 364 days a year?

    reach out and touch someone,

    Good God, you do understand.
    No surprises there.
    Merry Christmas, Yvonne.
    I’ll see you on the 2nd and call a day or two before.

  2. This is a great one, ~m! I agree with you and Yvonne….some people just don’t have a clue what it’s really all about…and probably never will. I like your line Michael, about the wicked mistletoe ass kissing! It made me laugh outloud. :-)
    Merry Christmas! Yes, I did say the ‘C’ word!

    Say the “C” word as much as you can, Lynn.
    Peace . . .

  3. You nailed it-the commercials are dumb.I like to think of Christmas in the way that Linus from the Peanuts gang does when he’s explaining to Charlie Brown what Christmas is all about.”For unto this day, a savior was born, it’s Christ The Lord.” I’m not sure if that’s the exact wording,but it’s close.
    “Christmas” can be fun, you just have to watch the peanuts special a few times (plus the music makes you happy )

    Gueraldi was an absolute genius.
    If you ask who he is, I’ll have to kill you. :mrgreen:

  4. Merry Christmas, Michael.
    I dont like eggnog.
    Or Kay’s.

  5. Yes, I “got” your message, I’m just on a Nyquil high right now . . .

    Have some for me, Red . . . :mrgreen:
    Merry Christmas.

  6. Hi there,
    I just dropped in to wish you a Merry Christmas. :)

    Awwww . . . back atcha, TimeThief.

  7. I think the answer is g-cubed.

    During the Christmas season, we just watch videos of the great classic Christmas shows of years past and fast forward through all the ads. We don’t watch a whole lot though as the TV is usually manipulated by the little one and her Spongebob infatuation.

    I think we’re finally through the Spongebob phenomenon.
    Thank God. And to think it used to be that purple bastard Barney. (Ooooooh Noooooo!)
    And g-cubed? I like that.

  8. the christmas crap drives me nuts, but i love christmas itself…then i remember that like you, we’re not poor, we simply have a lack of money…but then in a previous life i had heaps of money, and i know, it doesn’t make you happy, it merely makes your passage through life easier…
    the times i’ve been happiest is when i’ve had little financially, but mega family which is worth far more anyway….
    i’ll have you know zoe had a hand knitted barney doll given to her when she was about 6 mths old…barney was her idol…didn’t matter what sort of foul mood she was in, put the barney video in…smile was happening in a nanosecond!! god i gbot SOOOOOOO sick of that song….but i can’t stomach that spongey bastard in any wya shape or form!

  9. I don’t think we’ve watched much network TV lately. And if we do, we DVR it and ff through the commercials. And Nick is newly addicted to House, and so we’re catching up on all the seasons. No commercials!

    I spent approximately 2 hours total shopping this year. It was pretty nice. Still exhausting though.

  10. Christmas? When was that? Sorry I missed you at G’s. Now looking at the Breeze. Oh, it’s obvious, the square root of eggnog is..pii

    Butch! Nice to see you visiting, buddy.
    Hope to see you NYE.
    Should be a good one.

  11. I don’t know what the square root of eggnog is, but the square root of negative eggnog is expressed as an imaginary number.

    Let me get out my graphing calculator . . .

  12. I’m really feeling this. Christmas has been commercialized so much. I live in a 3rd world country where half the population lives on less than a dollar a day but the media and some multinational corporations thrust this idea of a gift-buying (they don’t seem to care if you give gifts, just as long as you buy them) and it’s disgusting. At least most people hold on to the true meaning of Christmas. We go out of our way to celebrate it, but gifts aren’t always given. Tis a time to spend with family.

    Family IS the gift.

  13. My five year-old’s new favorite number is 42. It’s her answer for everything. It makes me think there is some truth in the meaning. 😉

    Is she a Douglas Adams fan? I sure hope so . . .
    Thanks so much for the visit, PS

  14. Lol, so i googled square root of eggnog and your site came up before mine! :(

    so yeah, i made that picture and it is cool as hell to see that someone else out there likes it!

    Oh, and to end the discussion, the square root of eggnog is:

    The hypotenuse of a porch swing x -(Cheerleader) + PineappleShoe

    Of course we can easily see that this answer is imaginary as cheerleaders are always positive…


    The math leaves me gasping for breath but your comment was awesome. :mrgreen:
    Had I researched the pic I would have given you credit.
    Awesome picture. How did you do that?
    And thanks so much for the comment.

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