When a telemarketer calls

Found this floating around the Internet.
I shuddered at the thought of no one ever being able to use some of these.
Bet you can’t wait for the phone to ring now, eh?
Just sharing the love.

~m

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company.” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!”
Then hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

16 Comments

  • LMAO!! I’ve actually seen another one that deals with telemarketers as well as junk mail and people who come to your door…
    Thanks for laugh!
    Kelly

    For people that come to the door I say, “Come on in, I’m about to take a sponge bath.”
    ~m

  • love them all but #12 is the pick i think :lol:

    #12 has Amum written all over it! A classic quip.
    ~m

  • These can be good pick up and dump lines.


    Very creative thought, T-5
    Puts a nice new spin on the post, actually.
    ~m

  • LOL great ideas!

    usually i just say “no, i can’t right now but thanks for calling buh bye” and i run it all together and hang up.

    when i read the “no” one i immediately thought of the meow mix commercial. that would be hilarious!

    Maybe I could train my bengal Guinness to ‘meow’ on command…
    How cool would that be?
    ~m

  • OK, you are just giving me a way to prepare myself in case I call any of your readers. I actually am NOT, repeat NOT a telemarketer. I work for a public opinion research firm and let me tell you….people are not nice. Especially in bigger cities. If that’s what big city life is all about, I don’t ever want to live in one. I have heard some funny responses, these are quite good and would make me chuckle!!

    Years ago I did some phone sales.
    God, that really sucked.
    Actual research sounds like it could be ok.
    People are pretty rude though, huh?
    Same goes for some telemarketers too, I guess.
    ~m

  • I need to print these off and put them by the phone. Fun with Telemarketers! Of course I rarely answer the phone unless it’s a number I recognize. If it’s important, someone will leave a message.

    Thank the stars for ‘Caller ID’
    ~m

  • I’m doing the same as Interstellar…..I am printing this off and putting them by the phone.
    I never laughed so damn hard, that was hysterical. I just hope I can keep a straight face when I do it.
    Now, I’m hoping they call back tomorrow. I get a call every 2nd day, this is going to be so much fun!

    Let me know how you make out.
    ~m

  • i love that the pictures says, ann-margaret 50’s housewife. don’t think i could manage to say any of these without laughing hysterically though. i had a friend once who would do things like this. when he was bored he would call big corporations and convince some poor receptionist that he worked there and distraughtly tell her he was quitting. she of course, would then try to talk him out of it. cruel, really – but so funny.
    sarah


    The picture struck me as Donna Reed (I loved her!) but Ann Margaret is a definite runner-up
    Your friend sounds like my kind of guy.
    ~m

  • Ha! Classic. Very funny MistaMichael. I’ll have to remember some of those, because I usually do one of two things. I either just hang up without saying anything. Or I just tell them that the person is dead.
    Them: Is this MrsTucker?
    Me: Maybe.
    Them: May I speak with MrTucker please?
    Me: No he’s dead. He’s lying right here actually.
    Them: Click.

    Cool. Love it.
    ~m

  • LOL Very funny!

    I’m actually too much of a softie. I know it is a hellish job so I try to be polite and just say, “No thanks”. But that’s not nearly as humorous as these responses – LOL

    Hope you have a wonderful day!

    Thanks, Marti.
    Always a smile from you.
    lovin’ it….
    ~m

  • Several years ago, just a few days after my great grandpa had passed away, the entire family was spending the afternoon with my great grandma. My extended family’s a very quiet group of people normally, so with funeral plans in the air things were even quieter than normal.
    But then the phone rang with a cheerful telemarketer on the other end requesting to speak to my great grandpa.
    The person who’d answered the phone said with plenty of grief and drama in his voice that the gentleman had just recently died and that the phone call was interrupting the family making funeral arrangements.
    It was hystarical, because every word was true!

    He then abruptly hung up the phone with a look of satisfaction and an evil smile on plastered on his face.
    Even when we’re planning things like funerals there’s still so much pleasure to be found in tormenting the the telemarketers. :-)

    I love number twelve on the list.

    ~Kelsey

    That is one beautiful story.
    I love it.
    Thanks for sharing.
    ~m

  • I love fucking with telemarketers heads. Thanks for some new ideas.

    You’re totally welcome, Grasshopper.
    ~m

  • ROFL! These are wickedly funny! This has Seinfeld’s method beat by a mile! Hope you don’t mind if I link to this.

    I never mind a link.
    And I thank you.
    ~m

  • Michael, I’m linking it too. I can’t tell you the last time I laughed like this, I think some coffee came out of my nose. GREAT POST. You’re hilarious. Kim

    Coffee out the nose, huh?
    I like it. ;)
    ~m

  • […] you know how to get goat blood up?” Mike of “Smoke and Mirrors” has some fun with telemarketers. This post is clever, witty, and hilarious. You won’t be […]

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